i would go on the most crazy fantastic binge ever!!! i would eat soooo much pizza and cake and pasta and just everything i dnt allow myself to eat right now.
i dont feel so well at the moment.
i mean mentally.
this is all getting to me tonight.
i feel so lost, and so alone. i wish someone in my real life could understand whats going on.
i weighed in at 108lbs today, i should be happy right?
well im not, all i can think about is how anxious i am for tomorrow morning.
will the scale show that im lighter?
will it show that i gained?
or that im the same.
this fear is taking a toll on me,
i worked out for more than 3 hours today and my body is sore!
but still i feel like i just KNOW ive gained weight,
even tho ive had less than 35 calories today.
i think im going insane.
all i do is think about food and working out.
i have some major things coming up and i should have some kind of emotion towards them,
but i feel nothing. im numbing all those things by focusing on my weight.
ive put off stuff too, like getting my school I.D.
school starts on monday. and im thinking well i could get it tomorrow, but then its like wait what if that gets in my way of working out, and omygawd is my face too fat to have my picture taken!?
this is all nonsense, and i just dont even know what to do. maybe once im at 105lbs my mind will be clearer. i doubt it tho.
im already thinking about 100lbs.
yu know also i dont think i really care how much weight i lose cuz ill never be able to tell the difference. ive lost 8lbs this month so far and i just seem to be getting larger in the mirror. i feel like the scale is lying to me.
i just feel so lost and want to curl up in a ball and lay there. but i know if i do that ill just think about food for hours cuz i cant sleep. i would most likely end up binging, and that i wont let happen.
i cant believe im thinking this way but suicide just crossed my mind.
i cant help but wonder if ill be able to keep on like this.
i cant give this up, but can i really live in this state of mind?
to be honest ive always known that this eating disorder was killing me, and im alright with that. i feel like im killing myself in a nice, slow, deserving way...but right now i just want to hurry up and get it over with.
im finally starting to stress about all this shit thats happening in the upcoming week.
damn my anxiety is kicking in.
okay, im gonna have a smoke now and see what i can do to be not so suicidal for now.
its about 2:40pm monday, and the fast is going well, ended up not having therapy today so i decided to go downtown. so now im here at half and half waiting for anne to show up.
id much rather be hanging out with someone else like amanda, atleast she doesnt talk shit about me. ohhhhh also anne got into the art institute here in portland! WTF????
haha that definitly reasures me that it isnt a good school :P
i mean come on, shes 16yrs old and they accepted her for their photography program, she has nooooo talent!!!!! LMAO, well thats okay cuz ill be in New York in a couple years making my way up to the top in the fashion field. i think im gonna look up the best fashion schools in New York right now.i dnt know why i feel i must do better than her, maybe its cuz i work my ass off for shit while she does nothing but sell drugs and get laid!? yeah thats probably why.
seriously tho i hate feeling jealous. blah ill probably get stoned today since im with anne.
but still i will not break my fast! ive lost 8lbs since i last saw anne, im kinda hoping she notices, and is somewhat envious :P
im just gonna look on the positives;
*im 18, so im legal
*i have my finacial aid figured out
*i have nicier clothes
*i weigh less
*i dnt sleep around nor with ppl twice my age like she does
*im a lesbian! haha i dnt think that really matters, but guys are gross to me and i dnt see how she can hook up with them.
*im not selling drugs
*i have my future planned out
*i have much more control than her
*im not bi-polar
okay i guess thats enough for now, i feel a lil better. i just really wish she wasnt rewarded for being such a bad kid.
that sounds awful, but i mean come on, she kicked me out and said IIIIIIIIII was using her cuz i wouldnt sell drugs for her, WTFFFFFFFF
P.S. still 110pounds.
and still kinda looking for a nice lady to cuddle with.
so its almost 8pm on this lovely sunday night.
all ive had today was 3 cups of coffee, and a diet coke.
i am definitly wired up right now!
im at this coffee shop, and ofcourse there has to be a billion gorgeous thin women here!
tlk about thinspo, haha i dnt really know what im saying.
gahh i wish i was thin!
im beggining to want to find a special lady for me,
but i know theres no point to it cuz im not mentally ready for a relationship becuase of my eating disorder.
lalala poor me. not!
so anyways school starts on the 21st, im hoping to be 105lbs by then.
oh did i mention im fasting? yeah, shooting for 9 days :D
i want another cigg, but i just smoked one like an hour ago. haha
gahh okay im bored.
So I haven't updated my journal in like 4 weeks, damn..
Hmm last time I was with my brother.
Wellll since then I lost my best friend/roommate but yeah its alright I guess.
I moved back home and restricting is really easy here.
I've lost 6lbs this week.
I have a lot more to say and update about but I'm using my phone to type this and I dnt want to write something huge on it plus I have to somehow get thru this laborday barbecue, eeeek. Ill be okay tho, I hope...
Oh and my mom thinks I'm relapsing.
I mean yeah I did but not in the way she thinks.
She thinks I'm back into throwing everything up and B/P.
When really I'm just exercising a lot and not eating much/eating in a "special" way as I like to tell myself.
Okay well ill finish this update later, time for a cigg :)
ive waited soo long to come back to eugene and visit everyone.
ive been here for a couple days now and have only seen my brother,
who btw is driving me insane!
he says that i have "addiction" written all over me,
what the fuck does that mean?
all he does is eat(and make me eat)
and talk about nonsense that i dnt care about.
i miss portland sooo fucking much!!
i have no money and no ciggs left so i guess im screwed for the rest of my time here.
today i should be seeing rayna and then so tomorrow or tuesday ill be back in portland.
do yu ever feel like a part of yu is gone missing? and when yu walk its like yur a puppet and someone is pulling invisible srtings to pick up yur legs, making yu move? and then when yu look in the mirror yu try to find yur soul, yu stare at yur reflection going deeper and deeper into yur eyes, trying to find something that tells yu yur completely there..but as yu go further down all yu notice is that yur loseing yurself more and more and yu can almost no longer touch base with reality. so yu breathe and wipe back tears, blink a few times and leave the mirror right befor yu lose yurself competely to someone, something thats trying to become and make yu...yu smile and luagh when yu hear yur peers chat, but inside yu fight yur hardest trying to forget the realization yu just came by...yur palms may sweat, they may shake, and yu might not be able to keep focus but no ones notices(there too self ebsobed) but yur heart starts to race, yu worry they'll see whats happening to yu and leave forever...finally yu stand up and wlk, eyes staring straight ahead, mouth shut' and weird stares as yu walk with no destination... this is yur new life, yu must keep this monster inside yu under control...all yu can do is worry if everyone knows whats going on...life becomes overwhelming with depression and each day yu get more numb...everyday yu feel yuve lost more of yurself to what ever kind of demon is trying to claw its way out...yur trying yur best to stay calm and act like everythings fine..but the sensation thats been going on in yu for the past who knows how long is becoming to much so yu start to let go, and let this monster become yu...
ive felt that way on and off now for the past who knows how many years, the on is coming more often than ever befor, i was more than convinced there is something trying to control me inside my head...
the point to all this is that today some guy just sat next to me, grabbed my sketch pad and started writing(a poem) all of a sudden he starts to look at himself in the mirrored window and up in the sky and then me, he preceeded to tell me that "she"(some girl he knew but died) was in me, that her spirit was becoming mine, he then went on to talk about how we are exactly the same, we look the same and everything eles...he was very serious..
after he was done talking i was speechless. one becuase i think he could be right, and two that it was fucking scary cuz part of the time he was screaming at me like i was this girl(im guessing he didnt like her) and i thought he was gonna hurt me...
anyways, yeah i dnt know whats going on in my head, maybe i do have some spirit in me thats trying to become me(it sure feels like it) or maybe im just physcotic for thinking that he's right...
5 days and ill be 18,
5 days till im free from all this AA/NA bullshit.
5 days till i can get as many piercings and tattoos as i want.
5 days till i can buy my own smokes
5 days till i can get my own place
5 days till no one else has a say in my life.
fuck im excited!!!
so now for a lil update:
bri and i broke up, which is alright, i just have moments where i miss her alot.
ive quite pills now(they make me snore lol)
im chopping my hair off tomorrow, and going for the posh look :)
i found out today that i absolutely love the doors!!(i know a lil late right)...
hmm idk, i guess that will be it for now.
angela d fantasy
its hard for me to write this, my eyes keep dazing off.
myabe im tire or maybe im still fucked up, idk...
so first off today i got my permit finally!!!
then snorted a xanax which didnt do much for me so i snorted perk,
then this guy made a huge sence at my place(i live with my best frann and her grma)
and i was sooo scared i thought he was gonna hurt anne(my best frann)\
so we called the cops on him. i then snorted another perk.
and went to this monday funday thing they have here in portland. got there and snorted another perk!
by now im feeling fantastic!!! but then sick.,...obviously i snorted too much thru out the day,
met this guy who said he can get me free pills XD buttt i dnt know if i trust him or not.
got home and found out the guy got released from jail! gahhd damn police ppl....
oh and ive been hallcunating when i close my eyes cuz of all these pills.
im gonna lay off them for awhile(till i pay my frann the money i owe for them) so i can get my tolerance bck up...
anyweays thats enough for now, i think im still fucked up so im gonna pass out befor i get sick agaibn
okay so heres my story:
well my names angela, 17 years old...ill be 18 soon tho(august 5)
i was put in foster care at a very young age(like 2) cuz my parents had to go to rehab for a year.
two weeks after i got out the man taking care of me and other kids my age was arrested for molesting some of them(we dnt know if i was one)...i was diagnosed with HSP(a rare form of luekima) at 18 months old and was on steriods till i was 12(im now in remission, but one day my kidneys will fail and ill have to get them transplanted)....when i was 6 yrs old i moved from washington to oregon and became franns with the girl across the street. she soon began manipulating me to preform sexual acts on her...i didnt know what was going on but it severly effected my self esteem(it went on from when i was 6 to 9 yrs old)...
at 12 i began restricting my food alot, and exercings about 4 hours a day....the reasons:
well my mom constantly called me over weight, she said no one would love me unless i was 10 pounds UNDER weight....also said things like "yu should only eat a apple a day, cuz thats what anorexics do"....
i was also cutting pretty often then too...i was severly depressed and suicidal...
i was on and off "dieting" and cutting till i was 15.
when i was 15 my family(exluding my brother) moved up to las vegas.
3 months into living there i was hanging out with some kids from school....
i got overly drunk and was pushed into a car where i was raped.
the next morning there was blood covering me, and i just sat in the tub for hours crying.
my parents called the police but i gave them false information cuz i blamed the whole thing on myself(cuz i was drinking)...after that i started binging and purging 8 to 15 times a day. my days consited of bing /purge, going to school, comeing home and binging/purging a shit ton more times....i also began drinking alot...one night at a party i got alcohol poisening and started having a seziure(i survived)...now its about months into my stay in vegas and i meet this guy...he was nice and fun to chill with..i drank with him and his buddies, and well blacked out and got raped again....i ended up pregnant and misscarried cuz of my bulimia....by now i have no self esteem....
about 8 months after i moved to vegas this guy sebastion stopped and talked to me.
he gave me some money cuz "i was a nice girl and was raised right" he said he would give me more money if i didnt tell anyone...i needed the money for my bingeing and purging addiction...
so yeah one day he asked me into his apartment(which is right behind mine) and i met thsi girl who was working for him(this is when i found out that he was a pimp and coke dealer)...i said i wanted no part in that shit and he let me go...about a week later he said he had something for me and brought me up to his place again...somebody came over to buy coke and he made me hide in the bathroom...about a half hour later he came in and started touching me...i was scared out of my mind that if i didnt do what he said he would kill me...
so i ended up topless, him touching y breast. and me giving him a hand job...
i was(and still am) soo disgusted that i did that, once again i blamed(still blame) myself for that cuz he did pay me for it....from that day forward i promised myself i would get so deathly skinny that nobody would ever want to be with me....
about a week later some friends of mine found out he was trying to make me a prostitute and they confronted him...he then made it very clear that if he ever saw me again or if i ever talked to him again he would kill me....
lucky for me my parents decided to move bck to oregon a couple days after that...
i got bck to oregon, turned 16 and was deathly scared for my life!!!!
i was pretty much partying alot and was fully engaged in my eating disorder...
in feburary of 2008 i was hospitalized for alcohol poisening and a heart attack due to my bulimia...i was put in a pysch ward and after that got sent straight to a treatment center(i was in totall, including my stay at the pysch ward, in treatment for 3 months) i was diagnosed with bulimia, depression, alcohol dependency, and PTSD.... after i got out of treatment i was doing good for awhile....i fell bck into my eating disorder tho(but this time alot more fasting/restricting) and was put into a eating disorder treatment center(just got out about a month and a half ago).....
since then ive had a few set backs but have been doing pretty well for the most part....
ill be starting college this fall and plan to start a clothing line and have my proceeds go to helping sexually abuse victoms.....